Tuesday, November 17, 2015
Sunday, November 15, 2015
Single and Ready to Mingle, Tingle, Jingle, Shingle, Pringle....
The following is an unpaid advertisement for every single dating site currently available on the world wide web....
His clever poem...
Many, many years ago when I was twenty-three
I was married to a widow who was pretty as could be
This widow had a grown-up daughter who had hair of red
My father fell in love with her and soon they too were wed
This made my dad my son-in-law and really changed my life
For now my daughter was my mother, 'cause she was my father's wife
And to complicate the matter, even though it brought me joy
I soon became the father of a bouncing baby boy
My little baby then became a brother-in-law to dad
And so became my uncle, though it made me very sad
For if he were my uncle, then that also made him brother
Of the widow's grownup daughter, who was of course my step-mother
Father's wife then had a son who kept them on the run
And he became my grandchild, for he was my daughter's son
My wife is now my mother's mother and it makes me blue
Because although she is my wife, she's my grandmother too
Now if my wife is my grandmother, then I'm her grandchild
And every time I think of it, it nearly drives me wild
'Cause now I have become the strangest 'case you ever saw
As husband of my grandmother, I am my own grandpa
I'm my own grandpa, I'm my own grandpa
It sounds funny, I know but it really is so
I'm my own grandpa
I was married to a widow who was pretty as could be
This widow had a grown-up daughter who had hair of red
My father fell in love with her and soon they too were wed
This made my dad my son-in-law and really changed my life
For now my daughter was my mother, 'cause she was my father's wife
And to complicate the matter, even though it brought me joy
I soon became the father of a bouncing baby boy
My little baby then became a brother-in-law to dad
And so became my uncle, though it made me very sad
For if he were my uncle, then that also made him brother
Of the widow's grownup daughter, who was of course my step-mother
Father's wife then had a son who kept them on the run
And he became my grandchild, for he was my daughter's son
My wife is now my mother's mother and it makes me blue
Because although she is my wife, she's my grandmother too
Now if my wife is my grandmother, then I'm her grandchild
And every time I think of it, it nearly drives me wild
'Cause now I have become the strangest 'case you ever saw
As husband of my grandmother, I am my own grandpa
I'm my own grandpa, I'm my own grandpa
It sounds funny, I know but it really is so
I'm my own grandpa
Saturday, November 7, 2015
Cammy's back, ALRIGHT!
Yep, I just quoted a Backstreet song, so you know things are extra smooth these days...
So, I took a 2 year break from this blog. At the time, it was because I started dating someone that I could see a future with and that meant personal online dating stories were coming to a close. Not to mention, that just about every guy I have ever ended up dating, was from a NON online meeting. That speaks volumes my friends.
See, I've come to realize that Online Dating is no different than online shopping, gambling or hell, social media. What you see, is most definitely, not what you get!
Shopping
This is probably the easiest concept to utilize as an analogy for Online Dating. You're scouring online to find the perfect dress to wear to your old roommate's wedding where that guy you made out with once will be a groomsmen and you heard he just broke up with that ratchet bitch Rachel. (Remember when she ignored you at that house warming party and rolled her eyes when you told that joke about the white chick from the Washington NAACP pretending to be black? Get a sense of humor, Rachel!) So, you head to Anthropologie to look at what's finally on sale and you see that short, fitted strapless that makes the model look "cute and approachable" and you buy it in your size and wait with anticipation for it's arrival.
So, I took a 2 year break from this blog. At the time, it was because I started dating someone that I could see a future with and that meant personal online dating stories were coming to a close. Not to mention, that just about every guy I have ever ended up dating, was from a NON online meeting. That speaks volumes my friends.
See, I've come to realize that Online Dating is no different than online shopping, gambling or hell, social media. What you see, is most definitely, not what you get!
Shopping
This is probably the easiest concept to utilize as an analogy for Online Dating. You're scouring online to find the perfect dress to wear to your old roommate's wedding where that guy you made out with once will be a groomsmen and you heard he just broke up with that ratchet bitch Rachel. (Remember when she ignored you at that house warming party and rolled her eyes when you told that joke about the white chick from the Washington NAACP pretending to be black? Get a sense of humor, Rachel!) So, you head to Anthropologie to look at what's finally on sale and you see that short, fitted strapless that makes the model look "cute and approachable" and you buy it in your size and wait with anticipation for it's arrival.
Was $374, now $119 if you wanna purchase! (http://www.anthropologie.com/anthro/product/shopsale-dresses2/4130262522133.jsp#/)
A week later it arrives. You open the box without scissors and throw it on. There in the reflection, is the cold, harsh truth: You are officially a blob.
On the left is what I imagined the wedding party would see with X-Ray vision glasses. The right is actual reality.
Last night, I went on a casual first date with a lad I met online. I should've known prior that the conversation wouldn't flow seamlessly and I would eventually make up some line to get out of there based on his inability to understand a joke I made about Marty McFly and Tomorrowland. But, his pictures made up an Adonis of a man. Chiseled features and rock hard abs plus a boyish charm in one of the pics that made me trust he wouldn't roofie my drink. In person, those chiseled features were more gaunt and withered. Too many years in the sun made him look closer to 50 and the man had NO game. None. Zilch. He spent the better half of the evening convincing me that scientists have found bones of 8 feet tall quasi human giants that they believe bred with aliens to create the Egyptian Pyramids.
Gambling
Truth be told, I've never done any online gambling. I know Fan Duel and that other one are all the rage these days, but I'm a chick and I usually only gamble with calorie intake verse gym attendance. However, I do believe this whole phenomenon of Online Dating is just one big game of Roulette. Potentially Russian Roulette if you're on J-Swipe or JDate.
But the biggest gamble I think we take when searching for the love of our life through the same way we self diagnose that mole as Ebola, is assuming all information is factual. In the last 6+ months, I've seen the same person on several dating sites not only promote himself as a great guy but also as a single one. He's matched with multiple people I know, including myself (though I only connected to get to the truth) even though he's been in a committed relationship with someone who advertises their "love" daily on social media. Sadly, this live in girlfriend, who use to be a good friend, is in complete denial of all of this. I reached out several times to report his antics (of which are grotesque to say the least... purposely photoshopping a tattoo on your chest that reads "Footlong" is not endearing) to no response and now a complete blocking on Facebook. Yesterday, her boyfriend "matched" with me on Bumble, so I reached out. I expressed concern for his girlfriend and told him to treat her with respect like she deserves. He quickly blocked me but not before I could take a screen shot. My best friends keep telling me to stay out of it but it just kills me that she's devoting herself to such a vile person!
So, if you're wondering why I'm still single and not happily barefoot and pregnant like the rest of you, it's partially because I'm picky. Because I'm looking for my comedic partner in crime. A man and not just a boy. But mainly because it's almost impossible to meet anything pure and authentic these days. Friends, protect yourselves. Know you're worth more than settling for what's in front of you. Live honestly and the world will deliver you fearless compassion.
Now back to half ass conversations about LA traffic with a post production editor who's already moved on and now talking to a wannabe Instagram model.
Yay 2015!
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