Ageism

Is that even a real word? According to Wikipedia and even Daniel Webster, it is. But what I don't get, is how it's still relevant in this day in age...

Yes, many still judge others based on all sorts of criteria. Weight, race, religion, creed, diet (I see you vegans), etc. but when we live in a world where eye creams and botox are outselling denture adhesive cream, why oh why are people lying about their age online.

I was recently sent a list of potential mates from OKCupid, listed by their profile name, profile pic and age. Nothing else. Second profile down was someone I've known for a while. Like, a long while. Like, the majority of my life, while. He's successful, funny, good looking, family oriented, loves dogs, has hair, athletic, intelligent, blah blah blah. However, the age on the side of the pic was not matching. And it wasn't even that significant of a difference in age. Though I'm dying to ask him myself, I decided to send it to my oldest best girlfriends so we could subtract 20 years from our own maturity and come up with our own reasons.

While I agree that he doesn't look 34, and well, neither do I according to many government regulated facilities, why would a MAN feel the need to change his age on a dating site? Since when would a woman care if a guy was 31 as opposed to 34?! This ain't no Benjamin Buttons shit?!

So, I did some research (invisibly) and turns out, he's not interested in women older than 32. 32!!! Yes, in two years I've changed, a little, but not enough that I'm suddenly some spinster desperate for marriage and babies! I was desperate long before that! How presumptuous of him! But more interesting, is that he was also interested in women in their early 20's, though he stated he was looking to settle down and soon. 

But I still don't understand why he would lie about HIS age?! I don't remember being 25 and thinking "Shit, that guy was really a catch... except he was 18 months older than what I had envisioned. Oh well, moving on!" So, dude who I can't name who probably doesn't read this blog but has friends that do, feel free to be yourself and share your average age with the rest of the single digital domain of Los Angeles. Besides, won't she eventually find out anyway?

Murder She Wrote, bitches!

While I have your attention....

Campowerment, the sleep away camp for grown women,  is booking up quickly.... even into 2014! However, in 2 weeks, we're heading to Florida, near Ocala, at a lake side oasis and still have a few bunk beds open. Plus, if you and/or a friend have been affected by Breast Cancer, we're offering a reduced rate as a Thank You for fighting the good fight and celebrating with us now!

Plus, the women driven, owned and operated spirit, Vixen Vodka, is the official alcohol sponsor of the retreat. I'm already figuring out a better name than Bloody Vixen for a bloody mary, but plan to create one regardless.

I mean, if the Big O says so....

Spread the word!

Lo Siento!

I know, I'm the worst. I start this epic blog and have thousands of page views from all over the world and then I up and leave you high and dry. I really can't blame anything or anyone but myself, however, when you stop receiving satisfactory fodder to work with, you really start to get lazy. I appreciate those that have sent me articles or actual online emails and keep them coming. I do plan to use them. I guess I took a vacation, partially, because I was being compared to the quintessential single girl; Carrie Bradshaw.

FUCK THAT!

I am in no way, shape or form, that character. Ok, I take it back. I am in no way, that character ANY MORE!

Let's back track, shall we? A long time ago, in a world full of trees, hippies, ducks and more trees, lived a melancholic, anxiety ridden romantic who would write sappy, faux Fiona Apple songs on her out of tune upright piano, hoping her voice would be heard and her heart captured. Well, it was. By the college, non-profit version of Mr. Big.

He can't even come up with his own vows!

He wasn't tall or dark and many would consider him boyishly cute, not handsome. However, he was confident, obnoxiously articulate and gravely charming. He seduced the fake Joni Mitchell into an over-the-top love affair that would stretch over a decade. This may sound eerily similar to the fictional tv series, but one thing is true: Big didn't end up with Carrie in real life. Neither in Candace Bushnell's life and in mine. And because I endured this roller coaster of an emotional joke early on, the idealistic escapist in me matured and became realistic, not hard. I've fallen in love with others, just like Carrie, but was smart enough to realize Big would never love anyone other than himself.

So, please, please, please, do not compare me. For she is a character and I just play one in real life.

Also, I'm really more like Miranda!

Since It's High Holiday Season...

I took 6  years of Hebrew and I still have no idea what this says. I need the vowels, which for you goys, are taken out in script. They're little symbols under each letter that make it easier for non speaking Hebrew individuals. Anyway, I get these emails from Israel from time to time and always wonder what they expect from the receiving end. Are they asking for help? Am I supposed to send them non-kosher goodies from America like jello or pork rhines? Am I to assume he wants to date me? Does El Al do last minute deals? Will I recognize him by his blueish shadow? Screaming, "Montifuri! Mountain of fury, where are you???" I want some shwarma.

Dating is fun!

Anonymous Messages

Old school Match.com

Lettuce Get It On...

Check out this shit people! There's a restaurant in NYC where tons of regulars head in everyday for lunch to get a nutritious salad with all the usual accoutrements. Spinach, cherry tomatoes, feta, maybe some pine nuts... oh and maybe a phone number or two.

That's right. The newest Dating Site/App to alter our very existence, is in fact centered around salads. SALADS!

What's amazing, and most people who spend enough time with me know, is that I can't eat salads. Nope, about 5 years ago, my genius doctor realized my midget, Jewish digestive system was incapable of dealing with raw vegetables. So, once again, I'm ostracized from another romantic organization meant to connect soul mates. Though, there is a gluten free option. Question: Is semen gluten free?

Anywhoooo, apparently saladmatch.com has been a long time coming, as the chain started off as a singles scene and basically begged for a digital companion. Are my dental visits gonna become digitized, cause I might start going if so.

So, if there are any NYer's out there who don't have IBS and want to try out this App, let me know and I'll feature you on the blog. Ok fine, I'll pay for your damn salad AND feature you on the blog. Just make sure you ask for the salad to be tossed.

Real Profile Pics - Part 2

It still amazes me what people will choose for their main/first impression pic. 

Selfie or did the aliens take it?

If it's Sam Merlotte shifting, I'll bite.

Cheaper way to find a nanny, I suppose.

Hey dude, Sleep No More is in NYC. Meth is in Bakersfield.

Swept the leg

Run away from the pain!

Everyone's A Little Bit Racist, Sometimes....

See, I didn't make that up

But yeah, sometimes. People. They're racist. We'll go with that reasoning for this abomination. We've all seen my own array of appropriate suiters, but a WHITE man using a picture of himself in BLACK FACE does not scream MAIN PROFILE PIC!

Touch-a Touch-a Touch-a Touch Me

Hey SizeMattersLA! 

Does this mean I finally get to be Frankenfurter?

Whoomp! There it is!

Tag Team back again...

EX-Files

That moment when you finally see your ex and their new love...

And their happiness does this to your innards...

And the new love is better looking, has a cooler job and is definitely thinner than you...

So you immediately go to the closest grocery store....

Thanks Trader Joes!

But then you realize your ex looked like shit and was that a fedora on their head?!

And you start to remember why you're exes in the first place...

And you think, It's not THAT bad being the 3rd, 5th, 7th wheel...

But you tell your friends and family and they're like, "your time is around the corner!"

So you go back to the grocery store...

Thanks Trader Joes!

11 Signs You're Dating a Sociopath... only 11?

Huffington Post did an insightful investigation on the 11 signs your man is a sociopath. First, why is it always a man? I've known plenty of female sociopaths. Second, there's only 11 signs?! Third, they interviewed Dr. Seth Meyers, so it's clearly a legit medical investigation done by a professional!

Oh who am I kidding, he could medically investigate me anytime!

Assuming you don't want to read the article yourself, I'll break it down for ya... here are all the signs to look for in case you want a sociopath in your life.

#1) He has a huge ego and blames others for his failures.

Tiger Blood, don't forget

#2. Lying for the sake of lying.

The cute ones are always made of wood

#3. Empathy is a foreign word.

If you meet a Ponzi schemer, run. 

#4. Lacks feelings of remorse or guilt.

Juicy Joe knows what I'm talking about

#5. Stays calm after or during shocking events.

Anyone else hear the rumor that Casey Anthony was pregnant?

#6. Irresponsible

Wife murdered? Leave town.

#7. Few or no friends

#8. Toooo charming

Center Stage: straight, hot ballet dancer!

#9. Only wants and seeks pleasure

Clearly stoked on life

#10. Breaks Rules

Arrested in 3, 2, 1...

#11. Staring problem

He has always scared bejeesus out of me!

Friends be careful. I briefly dated one a few months ago. He also dressed as Spider Man for a living, so totally my bad.