I'm assuming the present is his tree?

Single and Ready to Mingle, Tingle, Jingle, Shingle, Pringle....

The following is an unpaid advertisement for every single dating site currently available on the world wide web....

His clever poem...

Many, many years ago when I was twenty-three
I was married to a widow who was pretty as could be
This widow had a grown-up daughter who had hair of red
My father fell in love with her and soon they too were wed

This made my dad my son-in-law and really changed my life
For now my daughter was my mother, 'cause she was my father's wife
And to complicate the matter, even though it brought me joy
I soon became the father of a bouncing baby boy

My little baby then became a brother-in-law to dad
And so became my uncle, though it made me very sad
For if he were my uncle, then that also made him brother
Of the widow's grownup daughter, who was of course my step-mother

Father's wife then had a son who kept them on the run
And he became my grandchild, for he was my daughter's son
My wife is now my mother's mother and it makes me blue
Because although she is my wife, she's my grandmother too

Now if my wife is my grandmother, then I'm her grandchild
And every time I think of it, it nearly drives me wild
'Cause now I have become the strangest 'case you ever saw
As husband of my grandmother, I am my own grandpa

I'm my own grandpa, I'm my own grandpa
It sounds funny, I know but it really is so
I'm my own grandpa

Cammy's back, ALRIGHT!

Yep, I just quoted a Backstreet song, so you know things are extra smooth these days...

So, I took a 2 year break from this blog. At the time, it was because I started dating someone that I could see a future with and that meant personal online dating stories were coming to a close. Not to mention, that just about every guy I have ever ended up dating, was from a NON online meeting. That speaks volumes my friends.

See, I've come to realize that Online Dating is no different than online shopping, gambling or hell, social media. What you see, is most definitely, not what you get!

Shopping

This is probably the easiest concept to utilize as an analogy for Online Dating. You're scouring online to find the perfect dress to wear to your old roommate's wedding where that guy you made out with once will be a groomsmen and you heard he just broke up with that ratchet bitch Rachel. (Remember when she ignored you at that house warming party and rolled her eyes when you told that joke about the white chick from the Washington NAACP pretending to be black? Get a sense of humor, Rachel!) So, you head to Anthropologie to look at what's finally on sale and you see that short, fitted strapless that makes the model look "cute and approachable" and you buy it in your size and wait with anticipation for it's arrival.

Was $374, now $119 if you wanna purchase! (http://www.anthropologie.com/anthro/product/shopsale-dresses2/4130262522133.jsp#/)

A week later it arrives. You open the box without scissors and throw it on. There in the reflection, is the cold, harsh truth: You are officially a blob.

On the left is what I imagined the wedding party would see with X-Ray vision glasses. The right is actual reality.

Last night, I went on a casual first date with a lad I met online. I should've known prior that the conversation wouldn't flow seamlessly and I would eventually make up some line to get out of there based on his inability to understand a joke I made about Marty McFly and Tomorrowland. But, his pictures made up an Adonis of a man. Chiseled features and rock hard abs plus a boyish charm in one of the pics that made me trust he wouldn't roofie my drink. In person, those chiseled features were more gaunt and withered. Too many years in the sun made him look closer to 50 and the man had NO game. None. Zilch. He spent the better half of the evening convincing me that scientists have found bones of 8 feet tall quasi human giants that they believe bred with aliens to create the Egyptian Pyramids. 

Gambling

Truth be told, I've never done any online gambling. I know Fan Duel and that other one are all the rage these days, but I'm a chick and I usually only gamble with calorie intake verse gym attendance. However, I do believe this whole phenomenon of Online Dating is just one big game of Roulette. Potentially Russian Roulette if you're on J-Swipe or JDate. 

But the biggest gamble I think we take when searching for the love of our life through the same way we self diagnose that mole as Ebola, is assuming all information is factual. In the last 6+ months, I've seen the same person on several dating sites not only promote himself as a great guy but also as a single one. He's matched with multiple people I know, including myself (though I only connected to get to the truth) even though he's been in a committed relationship with someone who advertises their "love" daily on social media. Sadly, this live in girlfriend, who use to be a good friend, is in complete denial of all of this. I reached out several times to report his antics (of which are grotesque to say the least... purposely photoshopping a tattoo on your chest that reads "Footlong" is not endearing) to no response and now a complete blocking on Facebook. Yesterday, her boyfriend "matched" with me on Bumble, so I reached out. I expressed concern for his girlfriend and told him to treat her with respect like she deserves. He quickly blocked me but not before I could take a screen shot. My best friends keep telling me to stay out of it but it just kills me that she's devoting herself to such a vile person! 

So, if you're wondering why I'm still single and not happily barefoot and pregnant like the rest of you, it's partially because I'm picky. Because I'm looking for my comedic partner in crime. A man and not just a boy. But mainly because it's almost impossible to meet anything pure and authentic these days. Friends, protect yourselves. Know you're worth more than settling for what's in front of you. Live honestly and the world will deliver you fearless compassion.

Now back to half ass conversations about LA traffic with a post production editor who's already moved on and now talking to a wannabe Instagram model.

Yay 2015!

Ageism

Is that even a real word? According to Wikipedia and even Daniel Webster, it is. But what I don't get, is how it's still relevant in this day in age...

Yes, many still judge others based on all sorts of criteria. Weight, race, religion, creed, diet (I see you vegans), etc. but when we live in a world where eye creams and botox are outselling denture adhesive cream, why oh why are people lying about their age online.

I was recently sent a list of potential mates from OKCupid, listed by their profile name, profile pic and age. Nothing else. Second profile down was someone I've known for a while. Like, a long while. Like, the majority of my life, while. He's successful, funny, good looking, family oriented, loves dogs, has hair, athletic, intelligent, blah blah blah. However, the age on the side of the pic was not matching. And it wasn't even that significant of a difference in age. Though I'm dying to ask him myself, I decided to send it to my oldest best girlfriends so we could subtract 20 years from our own maturity and come up with our own reasons.

While I agree that he doesn't look 34, and well, neither do I according to many government regulated facilities, why would a MAN feel the need to change his age on a dating site? Since when would a woman care if a guy was 31 as opposed to 34?! This ain't no Benjamin Buttons shit?!

So, I did some research (invisibly) and turns out, he's not interested in women older than 32. 32!!! Yes, in two years I've changed, a little, but not enough that I'm suddenly some spinster desperate for marriage and babies! I was desperate long before that! How presumptuous of him! But more interesting, is that he was also interested in women in their early 20's, though he stated he was looking to settle down and soon. 

But I still don't understand why he would lie about HIS age?! I don't remember being 25 and thinking "Shit, that guy was really a catch... except he was 18 months older than what I had envisioned. Oh well, moving on!" So, dude who I can't name who probably doesn't read this blog but has friends that do, feel free to be yourself and share your average age with the rest of the single digital domain of Los Angeles. Besides, won't she eventually find out anyway?

Murder She Wrote, bitches!

While I have your attention....

Campowerment, the sleep away camp for grown women,  is booking up quickly.... even into 2014! However, in 2 weeks, we're heading to Florida, near Ocala, at a lake side oasis and still have a few bunk beds open. Plus, if you and/or a friend have been affected by Breast Cancer, we're offering a reduced rate as a Thank You for fighting the good fight and celebrating with us now!

Plus, the women driven, owned and operated spirit, Vixen Vodka, is the official alcohol sponsor of the retreat. I'm already figuring out a better name than Bloody Vixen for a bloody mary, but plan to create one regardless.

I mean, if the Big O says so....

Spread the word!

Lo Siento!

I know, I'm the worst. I start this epic blog and have thousands of page views from all over the world and then I up and leave you high and dry. I really can't blame anything or anyone but myself, however, when you stop receiving satisfactory fodder to work with, you really start to get lazy. I appreciate those that have sent me articles or actual online emails and keep them coming. I do plan to use them. I guess I took a vacation, partially, because I was being compared to the quintessential single girl; Carrie Bradshaw.

FUCK THAT!

I am in no way, shape or form, that character. Ok, I take it back. I am in no way, that character ANY MORE!

Let's back track, shall we? A long time ago, in a world full of trees, hippies, ducks and more trees, lived a melancholic, anxiety ridden romantic who would write sappy, faux Fiona Apple songs on her out of tune upright piano, hoping her voice would be heard and her heart captured. Well, it was. By the college, non-profit version of Mr. Big.

He can't even come up with his own vows!

He wasn't tall or dark and many would consider him boyishly cute, not handsome. However, he was confident, obnoxiously articulate and gravely charming. He seduced the fake Joni Mitchell into an over-the-top love affair that would stretch over a decade. This may sound eerily similar to the fictional tv series, but one thing is true: Big didn't end up with Carrie in real life. Neither in Candace Bushnell's life and in mine. And because I endured this roller coaster of an emotional joke early on, the idealistic escapist in me matured and became realistic, not hard. I've fallen in love with others, just like Carrie, but was smart enough to realize Big would never love anyone other than himself.

So, please, please, please, do not compare me. For she is a character and I just play one in real life.

Also, I'm really more like Miranda!

Since It's High Holiday Season...

I took 6  years of Hebrew and I still have no idea what this says. I need the vowels, which for you goys, are taken out in script. They're little symbols under each letter that make it easier for non speaking Hebrew individuals. Anyway, I get these emails from Israel from time to time and always wonder what they expect from the receiving end. Are they asking for help? Am I supposed to send them non-kosher goodies from America like jello or pork rhines? Am I to assume he wants to date me? Does El Al do last minute deals? Will I recognize him by his blueish shadow? Screaming, "Montifuri! Mountain of fury, where are you???" I want some shwarma.

Dating is fun!