Matchmaker, Matchmaker... find me a find, catch me a jackpot.

With an array of different dating websites to choose from online, it's hard to decipher which site is best for you. Over the years, my friends and I have all dabbled in a plethora of different religious, sexual orientated, demographic focused websites that basically spit out matches like a Triple 7 slot machine.

"I won! He HAS hair!"

Normally, when you set up your profile, you're asked to fill out general statistics about yourself and maybe a few questions to answer. From there, you set up a filtering system that should display any number of people to fill your fantasy mate plate. With the current technological capabilities plus the increased acceptance to the once negative stigma of online dating, one should expect to fall in love with the press of a button.

Most utilize the search tab to find their own potential suitor, but about once a week, an email from (xoxo.com, rumyone.com, dontrapeme.com, playahata.com, etc) will send you a list of people they deem "matches." On OkCupid they send you "New Quiver Matches." Quiver. The second most vomit inducing word after moist. I take that back, I hate "panties"and "smear" more. 

The criteria is strategic

On JDate, they send you "secret admirers" but insist on you figuring it out on your own. So, let me get this straight. I'm paying $40+ a month to play Russian Roulette on my love life?! At least OkCupid has STAFF ROBOTS to deal the cards. 

Sharon11156 and I can share peddle pushers come Springtime 

Don't even get me started on eHarmony. I never once thought I would end up on there, especially with their heavily devout Christian population and apparent agenda (mom, click the blue-toned copy on the left). But, a friend of mine said she met her fiance on there and always had luck meeting genuine people. I said fine and paid a 3 month trial period up front. After 2 weeks of "matchings" and very few options to search for my own, I gave up. I'm notoriously picky, but when eHarmony suggests a 60-year-old man living in Winnipeg (that's Canada, you damn Yankees), not looking to have kids who thinks Everybody Loves Ramond repeats is a rip roaring Saturday night, I close out my account. 

But, my ultimate favorite matching came from the very named business; Match.com. This site tends to be the most successful, at least within my varied circled of friends. I've had some past success as well, so when I moved back to LA this past year, this was the site I rejoined. One month in, here's who they sent me as a potential match...

If I dated him, I'd just put him in my cheer uniform and make him do Mango every night

Moral of the story: The odds of someone meeting their soulmate through a computerized Matching system (calm down, I just mean the suggested emailed ones) are 1 to Chris Kattan.