What happens when you fall in love with a douche?

Oh Taylor, I started writing songs about assholes when you were in pampers

We've all been there. You meet someone who seems too good to be true. They tell you everything you've ever wanted to hear. In a short amount of time, you've fallen in love and you believe it's mutual.

Then, you learn the truth. It could be coming to the realization that this person was feeding you lies just to get into your pants, to them serial cheating on you without your knowledge. Douches come in all shapes and sizes, but they all have one thing in common: THEY'RE DOUCHES!

Psychology (and junior high) has taught us that when someone is feeling unsure about themselves, they often find others to tear down in order to empower themselves. And where do these insecurities stem from originally? Childhood scars, bullying victims and bad parenting, to name a few. As my mother always said, my EQ (Emotional Quotient) was much higher than my IQ. Sounds like a back handed compliment, but my emotional maturity has gotten me a lot further than my smarts. 

Look Ma, I'm deep!

However, I like to think of myself as lucky. I fell in love with my first douche at a young age. It was mutual, but the signs were there from the get go. He had a girlfriend he had been cheating on throughout college but I accepted that they weren't right for each other and things would be different with us. He begged me to move to Boston with him and thus started a tumultuous on again/off again 10 year courtship. I'll leave out the gory details, but note that every other relationship I was involved in, made me sensitive to those red flags. He was the only exception. Eventually I learned how to keep him at bay... sort of.

Ah, but we'll tell that story another day, another time. Today we are going to discuss how to pick out a douche before it's too late!

1) Does he/she have a relationship with their parents and is it healthy?

I'm no shrink, but it seems only natural that someone overly coddled and pampered might be looking for someone similar in a mate. Might even think they're worth more than others and take advantage of women/men because they deem they deserve it? But what do I know?

2) Does he/she charm the pants right off you?

Every met a genuine charmer? There's a reason those men with the magical flutes that summon a snake out of a basket, are called Snake Charmers!

3) Do they want to be in a relationship immediately?

Now, this one is tricky, as I have several friends who have met the "one" and jumped into the relationship knowing that it would end in happily ever after. Just know, this is rare. Most of the time this screams "No one loved me when I was little and I'm afraid to be alone! You busy?"

Serial dater or killer?

4) Do they advertise it?

So, a few months ago, I saw this guy online that I thought looked right for a friend of mine. A little too chiseled for me, so I reached out and asked if he'd be open to meeting her. The cynic (and genius) that she is, she went and did a little research on the guy. Turns out, a couple of her friends had already been there, done that.

Gotta give him credit for owning it, I suppose.

In conclusion, take your time and listen to your instincts. If it sounds too good to be true, it most likely is. Do your homework and see if the person adds up to everything they want you to believe. 

This post was inspired by a couple friends who have been duped. All of them met their charades online. If you have a story similar to this, feel free to send in an Anonymous tale and I'll post it. Until then, twerk it out.